Notes from my mom

When my mom read what I had posted about the day we met Rebekah, (See post "Two Years" from 2/17/10) she sent some notes she kept about what was going through her head the day before and day of Rebekah joining her family. They are so well written and heartfelt. I just had to share with all of you. By the way, and on a totally unrelated note, my girls and my sister's boys all call my mom "Gramcracker." Just a fun extra :) The above photos were taken of Gramcracker and the girls about a week after Rebekah joined our family. (Rachel 4 3/4 and Rebekah 9 1/2 mos)

REBEKAH’S FIRST DAY

by Judy Ligo

Today was one of my many new experiences. After settling on the thirtieth floor of the hotel in Changsha, many of the group started out to the grocery store for diapers, baby cereal, and correct formula. They struggled to read labels written in Chinese Characters. Four year old Rachel and I trailed behind Gwen as she also searched for many of these things. This being her second experience adopting and having lived in China for three months at this point, she had more specific goals in mind.

Being pushed and shoved by local domestic residents I insisted that Rachel stay with me and hold my hand as we tried to keep Gwen in view and bumped and shoved to stay with her. I was not accustomed to this crowded lifestyle and sensing the stares of Asian eyes. I was the one whose fake blond hair and blue eyes drew the stares. In this community my Caucasian looks did not attract as much attention as it had in Qingdao. Rachel’s olive complexion and sleek black hair provided a confusing comparison with my looks and aroused the curiosity of the other shoppers.

We had to get accustomed to the inquisitive looks we received.

Now I began to feel some of the nervousness and mixed emotions of these young American adults who were soon to experience a total change in their lives.

Many who had been living a comfortable two income lifestyle in Middle-America were overnight to become parents with unknown responsibilities for small children from ten months to three years of age who had never been outside the walls of orphanages.

The lives for these American, well educated, comfortable adults and these small totally dependent little ones would soon be melded into a “family”. This afternoon they were facing unknown situations and their future would take on a new dimension.

What about the Chinese young people who had fathered and birthed these babies and who will never know about the loving homes that will be opening for these infants they left at a gate in a park or at a police station?

I look down at Rachel and what she is developing into – bright, intellectually curious. Then, I think of the coming afternoon for me.

Here I am experiencing what hundreds of grandparents in the U.S. are wishing they could share with me. Sitting at home in Middle America in their warm comfortable homes waiting for the first call from over the ocean that now they are suddenly the grandma and pop-pop of a child that they will love and cherish for the rest of their lives.

They will buy Christmas and Birthday gifts for them, introduce them to their friends, take pictures and be proud of their soft black hair and the most beautiful big dark eyes..

They will wrap their arms around these little ones as they return to the US to be the newest citizens, as immigrants since the 1600’s, have brought new life to the American culture.

I must remember this special opportunity that has been given to me.

Sharing and watching the new parents carry these special gifts back to the hotel –this new beginning for them.

Rachel is so excited waiting to see her new sister carried off the elevator

One couple is getting twins, one is getting a 3 year old and many are getting girls just under a year old, each of whom will celebrate her first birthday in the US with loving extended family and siblings.

This, my second Chinese granddaughter experience, is different than the first time when I was one of those at home waiting with the extended family.

Now, I have the privilege of being here to serve as companion for my granddaughter who is 4 ½ and as she says “I am American” and so she is as she speaks only English, sings “Jesus Loves Me” freely, and soaks learning as each new day begins.

Rachel arrived at the hotel much the way her little sister will arrive. Soon like thousands of big sisters before her, she will open her heart and become the play-mate and companion this little one will look up to for the rest of their lives.

exploring new areas

Every move has its own pattern. Most are similar, at least at the beginning.

At first it is very busy coordinating movers, unpacking, setting up utilities, finding a grocery and all the little aspects of day to day life.

Then there is the settling in and exploring part. In the US, I like to start at the local library. It seems I can really get a feel for the area from the library. They always have information boards of events and happenings. Children's story times are often a good place to meet other moms. These moms can be wonderful resources. I have learned about playgroups, playgrounds, preschools, family friendly restaurants, churches, the best place for a pedicure and made some good friends this way. (Plus, I really enjoy the library. Even before having children, Dan and I would go out for lunch on Saturday and then make a stop at the library. He would get a pile of magazines and a corner seat. I would head into the stacks and peruse. Boring for some. An adventure and whole new world for me.)

The girls first priority is usually finding a playground. Also, an easy place to meet other moms and play mates for the girls. I often like to get out in the car and just drive around. It's amazing what sorts of treasures can be found when getting lost.

When we lived in China, the first few weeks were spent living in a hotel while our apartment was being prepared. Rachel and I spent part of every day walking the local streets and alleways, nosing into shops, and watching people. Or better said....being watched by people. I never thought I was that interesting to look at but to the Chinese I was quite something. One man was walking down the sidewalk backwards while staring at Rachel and I. He almost fell over a woman sitting on the curb selling something (could have been shoes, jewelry, pirate DVDs, who knows). We never went more than seven or eight blocks either way, because I was still a little wary about getting lost and not being able to communicate.

that temporary feeling

Since we relocated to Minnesota, I have felt that this is a temporary stop for the family. I know, I know what you are thinking.....yes, we have been in six locations in sixteen years. What isn't temporary, right? In all the other locations it started feeling like our home soon after we moved in. I started the "nesting" thing, got involved in the community, etc. This time I haven't felt like doing that. Part of it, I am sure, is that we are renting. We can't hang things on the walls, plant flowers, or make any changes. I know that one way or another we will be moving in a year. This temporary or being in transit feeling is odd. Many days I feel as if I am on the outside looking into my life. Not when I am at home with Dan and the girls but in the other aspects of day to day life where I could get involved.

When we lived in China, I quickly made some wonderful friends. Because we lived in a foreign country where everything is new and sometimes challenging, we learned to really rely on one another. It was like being dropped into an instant family. The move back to the US was a little of a letdown. I missed my "China family" and the excitement of living in a foreign country. I didn't really experience much culture shock when moving to China.

[From Wikipedia...Culture Schock refers to the anxiety and feeling (of surprise, disorientation, uncertainty, confusion, etc.) felt when people have to operate within a different and unknown culture such as one may encounter in a foreign country. It grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not. This is often combined with a dislike for or even disgust with certain aspects of the new culture.]

The feeling of loss when we moved back was a complete surprise. It even took me some time to realize why I was feeling down. Of course, the jet lag and searching for a church, schools, and a place to live didn't help either. I was actually very happy wen I read about "reverse culture shock." It is good to know that what I went through is actually very normal.

[Also, from Wikipedia.....Reverse Culture Shock may take place--returning to one's home culture after growing accustomed to a new one can produce the same effects as culture shock. This results from the psychosomatic and psychological consequences of the readjustment process to the primary culture. The affected person often finds this more surprising and difficult to deal with that the original culture shock.]

I hope this doesn't come across as being anti-America. That is not at all how I feel. I am glad to be in the US and love where we are living right now. It is just a step in the process of moving around. I am not sitting around boo-hooing or sleeping all day. I decided to share because I was glad to know I wasn't the only one who went through this and maybe someone else will be too.

Two Years

I can't believe it has been two years since Rebekah joined our family. Some days it feels like just yesterday but it also feels as if Rebekah has been part of our lives forever. God is so good and has really blessed our lives with two beautiful little girls. Many of you already know the story of how Rebekah came into our lives. Some of you may not. We adopted Rachel in May 2004. She was and is such a joy. She exudes happiness and glows from head to toe. In December 2005 we sent paperwork to China for child #2. The wait was much longer this time. Early December 2007 the call came that we had been matched with a child in Hunan province. It was 600 am in China when the call arrived. I couldn't wait to wake Rachel and Dan and tell them all about Rebekah. Since we were already living in China at the time, Rachel wanted to get on an airplane that day to pick up her Mei Mei (little sister in Chinese). We had to wait for travel approval and our group from the US to arrive. We were finally able to meet Rebekah in February 2008. Below is something I wrote in 2008 after the adoption.

"Thursday, February 14 we (Dan, Rachel, my mom and I) flew to Beijing to meet the rest of our travel group from the US. We spent two days in Beijing touring and giving the rest of the group time to adjust to the time change. A fourteen hour time difference can really feel like a bulldozer for some people. It was a nice time while we all got to know each other and see Beijing. The first day we went to the Great Wall. Rachel was thrilled about that since Big Bird walks on the Great Wall in the movie "Big Bird in China." The Great Wall is an incredible thing to see since you don't realize how big it actually is until walking on it. Rachel was a trooper and walked up and down some very steep parts all by herself without complaining. Later that day we visited a jade factory and saw the artisans at work followed by lunch, a Cloisonne dealer, and the Beijing Acrobats. The second full day in Beijing we went to Tiannamen Square, the Forbidden Palace and a pearl market. The Forbidden Palace is another spot that is much larger than I would ever imagine before being there. We made a list of things we didn't see so we can go back and do them all at a later date.

In Beijing we had a tour guide named Jerry who was with us the whole time. Rachel attached herself to him and started calling herself "Jerry's Assistant." He was a very kind young man who really tried to make her feel special and like she was helping. Still when she mentions Beijing she calls it "Jerry Land" and asks if we think Jerry misses her.

Sunday, February 17 we flew to Changsha in the Hunan province. This is the province of Rebekah's birth. The schedule was to pick up the babies at the civil affairs office in Changsha at 9:00 the next morning (Monday). When we arrived we were notified that the appointment had been moved to 3:00 on Monday afternoon. This, of course, made for a very long morning of waiting to meet our children. Finally we boarded the bus for the civil affairs office with bags loaded with diapers, bottles, toys, blankets, change of clothes, and any and all of the many things a baby may need. There is no way to describe the emotions of being on the way to meet your child. It is such a mix of joy, excitement, anxiety, worry, and more. The oldest child in our group is almost two and the youngest is Rebekah who will be ten months on February 28. Who knows what they have been through up to now. Who knows how they will react to having everything they had known changed in under an hour. The emotions were all in there mixing together. Anyway, when the bus pulled up in the parking lot a woman in a red coat was walking into the building holding a precious little girl with hair that stuck up all over her head. One of the men in our group said, "I wonder which one of us will take home that cutey?" It turns out that she was one of the twins that he and his wife are now loving and feeding and changing. We all pile out in our best clothes with our fancy new diaper bags and all the fixings and take the elevator to the third floor. And then BANG as we step off the elevator there is a room full of babies and nannies waiting for us. This was much faster and overwhelming than with Rachel. With her we went to the Social Welfare Institute, met the director, had a tour, and got our children. It was very calm and organized. This time we barely had our coats off before they started calling parent's names. The twins were first, followed by Hannah, and then our little one. She had big wide open eyes and just stared at Dan and I. She didn't really cry but just looked. It was more like no emotions at all at first. Rebekah is just a doll......very petite weighing only 13 1/2 lbs at almost ten months. Rebekah was also the youngest and the smallest in her group. I held and kissed her then passed her on to Dan to do the same. After that she wanted nothing to do with me for the first twenty minutes or so. I can tell you it felt like a lifetime. Every time I would go close to them she would start to cry. As soon as I would step about six steps away she would stop. I have friends who have been through this and were barely able to hold their daughter's for the first few weeks. It is one of the things that I most feared would happen. I stood across the room and watched Dan talking to her and rocking her in his arms. Slowly I moved a little closer once he sat down to give her a bottle. Then I sat next to them and she didn't cry. Very slowly Dan gave me the bottle and we transitioned her to my arms. I could have jumped for joy when D handed her to me and she only whimpered once and then stopped. We now know that she doesn't like the transition from one person to another. She cries a little each time we switch who is holding her. It is getting less and less each time. She appears to be equally attached to both of us now and wants to be held all the time. The vacant stare has disappeared and been replaced with smiles, coos, babbles, and giggles. All normal for a ten month old which is just how we hope for her to be. She still has poor muscle tone but is starting to try and sit up and can roll from back to front and back again. All this has developed in the past week. These girls amaze me at how much they grow and change in such a short time with a little extra attention, holding, and love.

The next day....Well it is official.....we are now a family of four as of Monday afternoon, February 18. Rebekah Yuhong is a doll and very tiny. I think she may actually be smaller than Rachel was at this age. She seemed to be in shock for the first couple days and was very quiet. She also has an upper respiratory infection and has been on medication. This may be the reason for her quietness. Her muscle tone is very weak. It seems as if they were still being only bottle fed at almost ten months and very rarely out of the crib. That said, she is now eating any and everything we give her. Her favorite seems to be jiaozi or dumplings. She will kick, reach, and squeal while waiting for the jiaozi to cool enough to eat. Last night was our third day together and we saw our first smile. It was such a happy moment to see her finally starting to connect and react to us. She also rolled over once while trying to get a toy. Today she has been trying to sit up and starting to babble often. She woke up cooing and happy in her crib this morning. Rebekah loves to watch everything Rachel does and looks for her if she is out of the room. Considering the situation, Rachel has been great. We have had a couple difficult times but all in all it is going well. It has been a great help having my mom with us to spend time with Rachel when she is feeling neglected. Dan and I are each trying to spend one on one time with her each day. Rachel and Dan swim together every day which she really looks forward to. All our documents in Hunan (the province of Rebekah's birth) have been completed. We are off to Guangzhou and the US Consulate in the morning and should be back in our home by the end of the week."

February 18, 2008* February 1, 2009* December 25, 2009

three photos of our Rebekah as she grows

Today Rebekah is a happy thriving almost three year old. Recently someone referred to her as a "pistol." Such a great description of her. I also often call her a firecracker. She loves to laugh and hug. She sings while she plays. She loves her big sister more than anything else in the world. I am so thankful for our family.